Why do so many couples struggle after the baby is born?
Many couples go through a vulnerable and overwhelming time after the birth of a baby, which makes this time challenging for the relationship. This is quite understandable when we consider all the changes the couple is facing and all the stressors that arise at this time, such as sleep deprivation.
A woman will experience one of the biggest changes in her life in a short period of time, similar to another big change, adolescense. Becoming a mother involves physical, psychological, social and relationship changes that begin during pregnancy. To name just one, a woman’s brain changes its morphology in the transition to motherhood and to support maternal behaviour.
This major shift in a woman’s identity is called matrescense.
And it is the transition to a newself.
Partners have a similar experience, although not as intense as the birthing person. However, for them too, the arrival of a new baby means changes in many aspects of their lives. They are also affected by hormones and changes in their brains, so becoming parents means a big change in their identity.
For a first-time parent couple, this is a lot to navigate. And yet there is very little talk about it.
Then there are the demands of caring for the needs of a baby and no wonder so many couples experience less satisfaction with their relationship in the first year postpartum.
Aspects of the postnatal period that might create difficulties for the couple
- You are learning and accepting the new parts of your partner and yourself.
- You are learning the new idea of being a family and no longer a couple.
- You are getting to know your newborn and how to take care of him.
- You are recovering mentally and physically from pregnancy and birth.
- You are tired and sleep deprived.
- You might having difficulties breastfeeding.
- There is a lack of time for intimacy.
- You are adjusting to a new schedule.
- Your partner is returning to work and need to adapt to a new routine.
- You are feeling an intense and varied range of emotions.
Because all of this, it is in this time when couples can often feel resentment, negative emotions towards each other and a lack of connection that makes communication very difficult.
And communication is key to navigating this time. It is essential to understand each other, accept the new situation and learn together on the new journey of parenthood.
So what can support communication and help to overcome difficulties in the relationship?
- When you need to communicate with your partner, be aware of your needs. Have you eaten? Are you very tired? Are you in pain? Our physical state will influence our mental state and, of course, the way we communicate.
- Be open-minded and open-listening. To understand your partner’s needs and point of view.
- Celebrate the small moments of connection, like a hug in the kitchen or a smile at a silly joke. Remember how you used to connect with your partner.
- Learn about the postpartum period.
- Understand that, although it is hard to see at the moment, this demanding time will pass.
- Seek support from family, friends, your postnatal doula, help around the house… anything that can make your life a little easier.
- If you are pregnant and reading this post, do postnatal planning with your partner. It’s a wonderful tool for exploring future needs together, learning about postpartum and a fantastic communication tool. Also, it is easier to communicate during pregnancy than when the baby has arrived. You can also book a postnatal planning session with me.